Husband Wife Jokes

Husband: Today is Sunday and I have to enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why 3?
Husband: 4u and your parents.


An Airline Introduced
A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife’s Ticket Free..
After Great Success,
The Company Sent Letters to All The Wives
Asking How Was The Trip.
Which Trip ?


Man: is there any medicine for long life?
Doctor: get married
man: will it help?
Doc: no, but it will avoid such thoughts


Wife pointing at a couple next door says to her husband:
Look at him he kisses her all the time, can’t u do that?

Husband : I tried but she slapped me.


What is the best example of ‘once in a lifetime’ opportunity?

A Mosquito lands on your wife’s face,
& u get the rarest opportunity of your life..

Never miss it!! ;)

Husband: can u be the moon of my life?

Wife: Awww Yes sweetheart..!
Husband: Great! then….
Stay 9,955,887.6 kms away from Me..!!


A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for there anniversary
and then his wife didn’t speak to him for 6 months.
Was the neclace fake?
No. that was deal..!!

Position of a husband is just like a Split AC…
No matter how loud he is outdoor,
He is designed to remain silent indoor! :P :D

Wife: Im not feeling well..
Husband: Ohhoo I was thinking to go for a dinner!!
Wife: I was joking dear..
Husband: Me too,

A failed Businessman to his Fat wife:
You are my Single Investment in my Life
that has Doubled :D

Height of misunderstanding:
A man marrying his own secretary thinking that
she will still follow his orders as before!!

Only 2 things Can Change a women’s Mood..
1) I Love You.
2) 50% Discount!

Husband asks:
Do you know the meaning of WIFE.
It means.. Without Information Fighting Every time!
WIFE says No, it means:
With Idiot for Ever
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply..


There are 2 theories on arguing with a woman!!!
If the woman is right,
be fair to her & keep quiet.
If the woman is wrong,
be fair to yourself & keep quiet..

A Question Asked in an IQ Test:
If u r Married to One of The Twin Sisters
How Would You Recognize Your Wife?
The Brilliant Answer Came:
Why Should I ?

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How various people search for a wife

Fisherman
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motorboat.

Salesman
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor’s around is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car and successful career!

Economist
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

Mathematician
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

IT Consultant
Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.

Businessman
Wife wanted for company.

Politician
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live, to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized society…………….. (etc etc and never getting to the point)

Car Dealer
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife. Should be in excellent working condition.

Farmer
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breading.

Lawyer
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I’m looking for should be strictly -a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself.
Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

Pilot
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically sound!!!

Banker
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

Shaayar
Burri muddat keh baad eik arazoo jaagi hai,
Key hum bee shaadi shooda ho jaayeh,
Kya bahaana shaadi karaney ka…………… joh kurrey sarey sarey,
Yeah mai butaatah hoon ………
Kyoon key yaroo ub khud ghur keh kaam hotah nahee sarey sarey.

Accountant
Required a girl – 5’8′ & 36′ 24′ 36′ with a good head for figures. She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

Sharabi
Wanted a girl. Girl’s father should preferably have a drinks factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample should be ample.

Minicab Driver
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I’m calling from base, erm a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.

Beggar
Allah kay naam peh koi ek biwi dey dey,
Doosrey kee nahi to upni hee dey dey,
Allah terah balley karrey,
Tujhey ek key balley doh dey dey,
Hillery hogi toh Monika bhi dey dey!

Builder
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

Doctor
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However if you feel the need for a second opinion then it’s fine by me.

Army Commando
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Camouflage provided.

RaceCar Driver
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be able to keep pace!

Astronaut
I’m searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world!

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Husband wife Jokes

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’
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Wife:      ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet..  Why?’
Hubby:  ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife:  ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’
Hubby:  ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’
——————————————————————————
Wife:           ‘What are you doing?’
Husband:       Nothing.
Wife:           ‘Nothing…?  You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband:   ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’
——————————-
Wife  :       ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband:  ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife:  ‘Yes or no.’
——————————————————–
Stress Reliever
Girl:  ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy:  ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl:  ‘We ll that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
——————————
Son:  ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom:  ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son:  ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
_____________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
————————————————————
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
——————————-
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.
The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name  of the horse I bet on’
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the  head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’

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